The last few days I’ve been pondering: am I really writing for me, or am I really trying to write for God?
One of my readers emailed me after the last post to tell me that she hopes I’m going to win the argument with my husband, as she’s missing my ‘current affairs’ insights.
So, I asked him at breakfast today:
“Would it be OK if I don’t make any comment about things, but I just stick up some links and let people go and figure it all out by themselves, if they can? I mean, it’s all out there, it’s all public knowledge, just it’s not being connected properly….”
He shook his head.
“I don’t want them taking your website down, or hacking the computer, or all the other things they do to harass people. You have too many other important jobs to do on your site.”
You know what? I didn’t argue with him.
Because deep down, I know he’s right.
Who am I really blogging for, me or God?
The last few months, I’ve been thinking more and more about how all these so-called ‘geula blogs’ are really just an exercise in feeding the gullible public information about what will be. Most of them got their start by translating the messages from the autistics into English, or by cobbling together bits of stuff from the Torah Codes and other self-styled ‘seers’ to come up with what were essentially predictions for the future.
But it’s totally forbidden for Jews to try to ‘predict’ the future, unless we’re bona fide prophets being sent to the people with a message to deliver on behalf of Hashem. We aren’t goyish soothsayers, looking for signs and omens so we can try to game the system with insider information.
Our future has always and only depended on us making some real teshuva.
I think that’s how all the stuff with the autistics got so bent out of shape, in the geula blogosphere. For as long as the information was being used to get us to make some real teshuva, and to get us to stop being such phoney, fake Jews, and to really understand that Jews need to live in Israel, and that we need to work on our bad middot, it was actually very useful.
When me and my husband read the book Galia back in London, it had a lot to do with our decision to make aliya, because it gave us a totally different perspective about what was going on in the world, and how we’d need to change our lives if we really wanted to be a part of the more God-fearing, Moshiach-ready Jewish people.
But sadly, most people haven’t reacted like that, at least, not the English speakers that I know.
Other people loved the autistics’ messages for very different reasons. For some, it gave them the reflected aura of being some sort of ‘prophet’, who could pretend to have more wisdom and insight than others. I also got sucked into that for a while, especially around the banking collapse in 2008, when all the scary predictions appeared to be materializing before my eyes.
Until they got sweetened by our true tzaddikim, especially by Rabbi Berland
Other people loved the autistics because they felt all their messages about the Erev Rav gave them carte blanche to go around pointing the finger at everyone else. That was never the point.
The point was for us to identify those bad, ‘Erev Rav’ traits inside ourselves, and to work on uprooting them.
That work requires some humility. It requires a lot of honesty. It needs a lot of prayer and broken-hearted pleading for God to please help us act nicer to other people, and to work on understanding ourselves more.
How many of us really took that message to heart, in the geula blogosphere?
I kept reading more and more drivel about everyone else….being eradicated from the world, and having disgusting middot, and acting like Erev Rav, and all the rest. But what about us? What about all the teshuva that we ourselves needed to make?
Where was all the stuff about how all these geula bloggers, and the people who read and comment on their blogs, were actually trying to make some real teshuva in their own lives?
After mulling this over for a few years already, I think a lot of the problem comes down to the fact that practically every geula blogger and commentator out there is anonymous.
They can tell you that they’re God-fearing, they can tell you who their rabbi is (or isn’t…) they can tell you what they really believe blahdie blahdie blah.
But because they are totally anonymous, there is absolutely no way of checking these people out, independently. Once there’s a name to ground someone into reality, it’s much easier to go and see if all their pious talk and holier-than-thou stuff is matched by an equally ‘holy’ personal life, or whether you’re actually dealing with a lunatic whose private life is a trainwreck.
I know that I can’t write a thing without it having to stand up to reality in ‘the real world’.
I have a real name, I have a real family. Anyone could talk to my kids and my husband and find out in a split second that I’m a recovering psycho. Being real obliges me to own up to my struggles and my issues, because if you come across me in real life while I’m still trying to be a pseudo-pious-pretend-geula-blog-persona, you’re going to call me out on my hypocrisy very, very fast.
But there just isn’t that same accountability with so many of the other people online who have been setting the tone of the debate around geula and moshiach for the last two decades.
How would it change things, if you knew someone was a ‘secret mesichist’, who hates the idea of anyone being the Moshiach other than their own (dead…) leader? How would it change things if you knew someone had a really bad relationship with every single one of the family members? How would it change things, if you knew someone had a pot habit, or a gambling problem, or a really horrible, nasty temper?
Would you still take what they have to say so seriously? Would you still praise them for being so wise and all-knowing? Would you still relate to their ‘pretend perfect’ online persona so respectfully? Would you still think they are far more interested in blogging for God than just blogging in order to inflate their own egos?
Then there were all the people who loved all the autistics and ‘predicting the future’ stuff because of the Nibiru buzz.
For two whole years, we all sat entranced by the Youtube prophets and ‘geula watchers’ who were going on…and on…and on… about the dark star, the killer planet, the brown dwarf, the dreaded Nibiru.
Do I think something like that is out there? Yes, probably. It’s part of God’s much bigger plan for our planet, and it will play whatever role it’s meant to, in getting us to the next stage of things.
But why do I not really care so much about NIBIRUUUUUU, even if it does exist?
Because I’m trying to keep my focus on working on myself, identifying my issues and flaws, and trying to acknowledge and work on the stuff that I really need to work on, regardless of whether some massive comet comes close to the earth and causes a tidal wave of energy to ripple through the earth’s crust.
Right now, I’m working on trying to not shout the heck out of my teenage kids, when they come home really late too many nights in a row. That’s not easy (for me…) It’s showing me I have a lot of patience to learn, still, a lot of anger to control.
All that stuff has absolutely nothing to do with trying to predict the future, and trying to create a ‘buzz’ around current events that I can orchestrate into some massive, and massively pointless discussion (at best…) in my comments section.
If that was the only problem with our decades’ long obsession with trying to ‘predict the future’, and trying to skim off the superficial excitement about ‘geula happening’ while ducking the hard work of really getting to grips with our own bad middot and moving to the Holy Land, maybe it still wouldn’t be so bad.
But ever since those selfsame autistics that everyone just loved, when all they were doing was just talking about the Erev Rav, Illuminati and Nibiru, started coming out with clearer and clearer messages identifying Rabbi Berland as the hezkat Moshiach of our generation – well, things have gotten very interesting, from a psychological perspective. It’s got way, way clearer who is doing stuff for God (or trying to…) and who isn’t.
One blogger has spent the last 15 years making her name off the back of peddling autistic ‘prophecies’ and blasting 14.99999999 million Jews as being ‘fakers’ we could all turn our backs on and condemn to permanent hell and damnation. As soon as the autistics suggested the Rav could be Moshiach – she put up a notice on her blog explaining she no longer ‘endorsed’ them.
The irony is, that the autistics said whoever can’t accept Rabbi Berland could be Moshiach is an ‘Erev Rav’.
(Personally, I’m not convinced they’re right, just to make this even more confusing than it already is.)
This blogger happens to be an excellent writer, and a really good researcher.
When I was looking into all the anusim stuff the last couple of weeks, I wondered a little wistfully why this person couldn’t bend her fearless (anonymous…) blogging abilities to really trying to help out her fellow Jews who are suffering so much in South America, instead of wasting so much time and energy on pointless rants.
How different this could all look, if more of the bloggers out there stopped stroking their own egos and started thinking about how to better serve Hashem, with their writing.
Who cares, really, what some militant guy with a beard and an obsession with machine guns said 20 years ago? There are real, live Jews that need your help! Go and put your money where your mouth is, o anonymous blogger, and go and stand up to the real baddies out there. Go and do something useful with your blog, instead of just stirring trouble and hatred all the time.
And I guess, that’s what I really want to say to all the geula bloggers out there, who pretend not to read my stuff, but then make pointed comments about me being delusional etc.
God gave you your blog to spread some light in the world, and you aren’t doing the job.
For years, you’ve been milking the geula process for all that it’s worth, so you can build a big audience and feel like a ‘someone’. And now, when we’re really coming down to the wire, and when people really need to be encouraged to scrub the scales from their eyes and to make some real teshuva – you are still doing your best to keep us all stuck back there, in the ‘make believe world’ comfort zone.
You don’t need to make aliya, not at all! The Beit HaMikdash is going to be rebuilt in America!
You don’t need to make some real teshuva, not at all! Carry on leaving poisonous comments about the Gadol HaDor, and having disrespectful discussions about him online, that’s guaranteed the best way to get geula and Moshiach the sweet way!
You don’t need to stop treating other people badly – not at all! – to get to the end safely. Just carry on watching your Netflix, spending hours gossiping on Facebook, and peddling half-truth headlines and pseudo-frum Youtube rabbis as the REAL purveyors of Torah and truth!
Business as usual! (With a side-helping of geula).
But that’s not what our REAL rabbis are saying. Not at all.
A few days ago, I saw a bizarre story in the Yeshiva World News (which I don’t read, btw, because it’s full of fake news and lashon hara, but which came up in a Google Search I was doing for something.)
It said this:
“United States President Donald Trump reportedly sent two anonymous Jewish colleagues to meet with HaGaon HaRav Chaim Kanievsky Shlita. According to a BeChadrei Chareidim report, they told the Gadol Hador they are friends of the US president, sending Mr. Trump’s personal regards.
Rav Kanievsky reportedly asked what they wanted, and they said the US president was interested in knowing when Moshiach will arrive.
“The weekly Torah sheet “Divrei Siach”, which contains Rav Kanievsky’s Torah, reports on the visit, explaining Rav Kanievsky was not overly interested when the two sent the president’s regards, and asked if they wanedt anything else.
“When they asked about Moshiach’s arrival, Rav Kanievsky reportedly asked “What have you done to hasten Moshiach’s arrival? Have you moved to Israel?” When they responded negatively, Rav Kanievsky added,
“Then move to Israel and Moshiach will soon arrive”.
Assuming the story is true (always a big ‘if’…) let’s rewrite the headline to describe what Rav Kanievsky apparently really told his illustrious Jewish visitors from America:
If you really want to bring the Moshiach, you should move to Israel.
As usual, Rav Kanievsky pierced straight to the heart of the problem:
If you REALLY want to be part of the geula, if you REALLY want Moshiach to come, you should be in Israel. You should be LIVING that reality, and not just endlessly discussing it.
Just before Rosh Hashana, I deleted my blog after a very unpleasant email interaction with one of these ‘geula bloggers’. For 4 months, I stayed offline. I told God then, God, I want to give You what You want. Please show me what You want me to do with myself, and how I can use my writing to best serve You.
The message I got back consistently, every single time, was to tell more people about Rabbi Eliezer Berland, and to help him any way I can.
That’s the only reason I started this blog back up.
Today, I’m still asking God for guidance, and today, I’m still getting that message back loud and clear. That’s why I really don’t care if people don’t like me, or if they diss me for talking about this stuff, of if they go on the attack.
I’m trying to use this blog for the only reason God created it, namely to put the spotlight on the true Tzaddikim of the generation, and on our own great need to make a lot of teshuva and off myself, and my own stupid ideas about things.
Because really, what do I know?
Even if I do think that I have so very much information I could share with you about what’s really going on right now, so what? Let’s say I did set it all down, what good would that do? How would it really change your life?
Is anyone out there making aliya, because of what they read on this blog? Is anyone really making teshuva? Is anyone getting closer to God and the true tzaddikim? I honestly don’t know.
But that’s the only real measure of ‘success’ that counts.
So at least for now, the husband has won.
Because at some point, we have to stop treating the geula like some sort of superficial and ultimately meaningless debate or ‘prediction process’, and we have to actually start living it ourselves.
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