If you haven’t been following the Daily Dose of Chizzuk translations over on the ravberland.com site, I highly recommend you start.
Sometimes, reading the Rav’s words is pretty much the only thing that can dispel the heavy cloud of yeoush – despair – that keeps gathering around my head.
The last couple of weeks, since the lockdown was mostly lifted in Israel, I’ve been making use of every moment to go visit kivrei tzaddikim and nature sites. Yesterday, I went for a short hike in Ein Karem, then went off to Kever Rachel to recite 3 tikkun haklalis.
I don’t want to give you a misleading picture here:
I’ve been finding it really hard to say even one tikkun haklali a day, the last few weeks, let alone three. But when you tap into ‘tzaddik power’, you suddenly find reserves of spiritual strength you no longer knew you had.
Yet in my own dalet amot, life is actually (strangely….) pretty good right now.
As the olam hafuch started its process of flipping over in February, when all this COVID-19 fake pandemic really took off, as part of the plan to get us all plugged into a ‘digital control grid’ that would make Hitler really, really proud, (see below…) in many ways my life strangely got easier.
I’m having way fewer arguments with people that *something* isn’t quite right with the world.
Or that *something* isn’t quite straight with the media. Or that *something* isn’t quite OK with Bibi and Donald Trump.
I think that’s mostly obvious to anyone who has at least one operational brain cell (i.e., around 24% of the population.)
My kids are now much closer to my wavelength, spiritually, since before all this started, including everything that’s gone on with Rav Berland. Now, finally, they are willing to admit that so much of what happened was a stitch up by the corrupt media and corrupt government – and that’s so heartening for me.
At the same time, and despite all the visits to streams and kivrei tzaddikim, sometimes the yeoush is still a little overwhelming.
I mean, I know this is all leading to Moshiach and geula – like duh! – and, I also know the process has already been radically sweetened. We can all see time and time and time again, how the whole world creaks to the edge of the precipice, only for things to be strangely turned around at the last minute.
Even this stuff with George Floyd, scary as it’s been for people in the US, hasn’t had anywhere near the *impact* it was planned to have, socially. American society was meant to have totally detonated after George Floyd, and while there have been a series of explosions, some larger some smaller – that actually hasn’t happened.
The Rav and the other tzaddikim are sweetening, sweetening, sweetening.
But some days, the yeoush is still a little overwhelming.
Like, what am I meant to be doing with myself now?
What am I meant to be aiming at? Or working on? Is there any point trying to do anything, right now, when everything is so very uncertain?
I know my kids also have a big dose of that. It’s hard enough studying for a bagrut, or completing National Service, when the world hasn’t just tipped itself totally upside-down. And now? Each day, we are all just having to push all the fears and anxiety aside, and to do the job of the next 24 hours.
And that’s all.
And I think the main job to do now is working on our bad middot.
For me personally, as well as having to squarely face down my feelings of yeoush about the world, I’m also having to work on some very deep-rooted feelings of anger.
Yesterday, I could barely sleep because of the heat and the noise of the fan in my bedroom. I was waking up every few minutes, feeling hot and frustrated.
And then one time I woke up, and it suddenly hit me:
Hashem, I’m really angry about [a particular thing that I hadn’t realized was such a big issue for me]!!!
So this morning, I had to dig deep, and do some real work on trying to dig up that ugly anger weed that has been flowering in my soul for 25 years, while I’ve been looking the other way.
It’s hard work, all this.
And what’s getting me through it is the Rav’s writings, particularly his daily dose of chizzuk, and Rabbenu’s advice to:
- do an hour a day of hitbodedut,
- dance regularly to break the force of the klipot and the harsh judgments
- to welcome all the setbacks, uncertainty and humiliation as tikkunim that are cleaning my soul off in a big way, and to accept them with love; and lastly
- to visit as many kivrei tzaddikim as we can, to get a hit of their ‘tzaddik power’, to keep us going.
Today, I read this from the Rav:
“For as long as a person continues to be in his body, he can fall into yeoush (despair) every single second. He’s already thinking gamarnu, it’s all over, it’s already the end. A person feels embarrassed, what, someone needs to strengthen me? But as long as a person is still in his body, he feels despair.”
And that’s why, the Rav explains, we have to say chazak v’ametz to everyone, and to try and encourage and strengthen the people around us to not fear, and to stay strong.
Chazak v’ametz, my dear readers!
It’s hard going at the moment, spiritually.
I apologise if you are one of those people who have emailed me, and who I just haven’t been able to answer, at the moment.
Some days, I can’t slice through the darkness enough to really get to my keyboard. Some days, I have no idea what to say to you – or to myself – because everything is so confused, and so up in the air.
But nevertheless, there is one thing I can do today, and that’s to tell you:
Don’t fear, and stay strong!
God is going to turn all this around for us, and the true tzaddikim have our back, regardless of how things look right now.
Our part is just to keep on talking to Hashem, keep on working on our bad middot, and to support our true tzaddikim, especially Rav Berland, with every last bit of energy we have.
The clouds will part soon.