We’ve been here before, and things are about to turn around in a miraculous way.
Picture the scene.
Almost 4,000 years ago, a scared and vulnerable Am Yisrael were hunking down in their pads in Goshen, watching as the Egyptian world around them fell to pieces.
When the Nile turned to blood, that’s when they shut all the gyms and the parks, and stopped people from exercising, so they wouldn’t get sick from the ‘river pollution’.
Then, the frogs showed up, and that’s when they issued their decrees saying no-one could spend any time in malls or restaurants, as the Health and Safety inspectors had determined that was where all this frog spawn was coming from.
Next came the lice, and that’s when Egypt’s Ministry of Health forbade people to congregate in large groups.
It’s disgusting, these people who keep standing next to each other, and they just let the lice jump all over them, and then before you know it, we also have lice here in Ramat Gan….
At that point, they also banned minyans, mikvahs and weddings, too, because it was obvious to Billaam G, and the rest of the Egyptian old boys Billionaire Club, that letting the Jews congregate was a really bad idea. Letting the Jews pray to God was also a really bad idea. And so, Billaam told Pharoah to institute a ‘social distancing’ rule of no less than 2 metres.
The Jewish overseers came to call on Pharoah, to beg for mercy.
O mighty president, ruler of the free world, we can no longer pay the taxes you are soaking out of us, nor continue to put food on our table. While the bricks required to pay the rent and mortgage have stayed the same, the sources of income have now all dried up, thanks to the global lockdown.
Pharoah and his advisors from the WHO looked at these audacious Jews wide-eyed:
You are lazy!!! Lazy!!! No free rides!!! You brought all this on yourselves by continuing to have children, instead of throwing them in the Nile, or popping along to the Planned Parenthood Clinic like we told you! And now, Egypt is at busting point, and we have no choice but to implement some radical population control policies, before you lot totally take over!!!
Billaam G and his other little buddies from the WHO nodded sagaciously, as the unfortunate Jews were given the bums’ rush out of the palace.
In their homes, the Jews sighed and feared the worst.
These Egyptians were bad enough when the economy was booming, and the stock market was rocketing up. No-one knew where all this was leading, nor just how bad things were about to get.
There were rumors that Pharoah would only let the Jews immigrate once they’d signed over all their worldly goods to the King’s Treasury, to help pay down the three quatrillion dollar debt that the greedy Egyptians had run up buying cheap stuff from China.
Right before the Nile turned to blood, China was about to foreclose on the debt, throwing the ‘greatest nation in the world’ into total chaos and financial meltdown. Lucky for Egypt, China developed a nasty case of plague just around that time, so they got busy with other stuff.
But, Egypt still had its massive debt to try to take care of… and fleecing the captive 6 million Jews of all their worldly goods seemed like a good way of doing it, or at least, making a start to tackle the problem.
Already, the press in Egypt were running non-stop videos showing frum Jews shirking the ‘social distancing’ rules, which was clearly leading to the massive uptick in lice infestation.
People on Twitter were already muttering about the Jews bringing all these plagues onto Mitzrayim, and the atmosphere was full of unspoken threats and anti-semitism.
And so, the Jews of Goshen went into their Seder Night feeling pretty scared about what the future held, and how they were going to pay their mortgages and rent bills, and how on earth they were meant to buy new underwear, when the old ones ran out.
That Seder Night…. The miracles really began.
It started when Billaam G. had a massive heartattack, and was found floating in the pool of his mansion in Memphis, the poshest part of Egypt, away from the plebs. Next, a bunch of fires spontaneously broke out at 5G stations across the country, and try as they might, no-one could get them to go out.
Strangely, as soon as the 5G stopped, the lice disappeared too.
But the Egyptian media dismissed all this as ‘just a coincidence’ and berated the public for buying into mad conspiracy theories that blamed Big Pharma for creating the lice plague (and soon-to-be released lice vaccine…).
The head of Big Pharma even went on Egyptian TV, to tell the public that contrary to the claims coming out of China, there were NO plans to release another plague of boils; or a plague of killer foot-and-mouth amongst the nation’s animals, and definitely, absolutely, totally NO PLANS AT ALL to try and kill off the first born.
But with Billaam G. out the way, many of the minions broke ranks, and started posting their explosive confessions about what was really going on, up on Youtube.
The plan was to blame all these plagues on the Jews, and then make a huge packet by forcing the public to get themselves and their pets vaccinated, so they wouldn’t have to go through all these plagues again next year.
Then, the Jews would flee Egypt of their own accord, lucky to leave with just their toothbrushes and a pair of pyjamas, leaving Pharoah and the rest of the billionaire businessmen, property moguls and old money tycoons to divvy up the Jews’ real estate and assets between them.
But that Seder night, when the whole Jewish world was in lockdown, stuck in their homes, everything started to go wrong with ‘the plan’.
The Angel of Death passed over the Jews, and started to smite the evil Egyptians instead.
Any door where there was a mezuza got skipped. Any home where there was a box of matza and cup of wine got ‘passed over’. Any place where there were Jews doing their best to make a seder, even with the most basic staples, and even without, were put on the ‘do not touch’ list.
And in the meantime, the Angel of Death went forward to do its work.
After Billaam G. dropped dead, a bunch of presidents and prime ministers and world leaders unexpectedly followed suit. Palaces and presidential suites all over Egypt were shrouded in black, as one evil person after another came to realise – in their last second on earth – that God runs the world, not them.
In his cell underneath Pharoah’s palace, Moshe Rabbenu, our righteous redeemer, continued to fight the spiritual battle.
He was fueled by all the tikkun haklalis being recited by the Jews, and all the prayers to be saved from Coronavirus being recited by the righteous gentiles.
Tomorrow, after chag, he would request an audience with Pharoah, and tell him that it was time to let all the Jews go home to Eretz Yisrael. Boats should be charted – lots of them! – and the Jews would finally break free of the spell of Mitzrayim, that had them relying on vaccines, real estate and stockmarket portfolios for salvation, instead of turning to prayer and emuna.
Yes, Pharoah would demand that the Jews leave all their wealth behind, and submit to the mandatory Universal Vaccination before being allowed to leave the country, but Moshe knew that after a bit more pounding, he’d give in on these demands, too.
Redemption was in the air.
The Jews just had to hang on one more day.
If you’re looking for a new Haggadah this year, you can download the PDF of the Rabbi Berland Haggada HERE for free. It’s laid out in a simple way, has English translations, and also has some uplifting Torah and stories from the Rav, too.
If you’re doing Seder alone this year, then take a look at this piece that was originally posted up last year, for some tips on how to get the most out of the evening, even if it’s just you who is doing Seder:
Hold on one more night, dear readers.
The sea is about to part.