As ‘lockdown’ draws closer, I’m feeling that there is nowhere left to run.
Since Pesach, I’ve basically been trying to keep one step ahead of the Corona Fascists, and all their nefarious schemes for using COVID-1984 to impose their controlling agenda on the world.
I hate being controlled.
I hate being policed.
I hate having my basic freedom to walk places, to breathe fresh air, to visit holy sites, to get out in nature, to meet up with friends, to pray – curtailed.
And I’m also pretty scared about the motives and agenda behind all this ‘control’ and false COVID-1984 narrative, which makes it even harder to deal with the day-to-day Corona Fascism.
For the last few months, I’ve been trying to run away from the ‘control’ anyway I can.
But here in Uman, it’s finally starting to dawn on me that I am running out of places to run to.
The plan today was to try to take a cab to Rabbi Natan’s grave in Breslov, and then to carry on to the Baal Shem Tov in Medzhiboz.
Yesterday, I walked out on Pushkina to try to find a cab. Usually, there are 5 people every square foot, asking me if I want to exchange money or take a cab. Yesterday, there was no-one. Maybe, it had something to do with the group of 4 masked Ukrainian police who have now taken up permanent position on the corner of Pushkina, where you head down into the tomb.
They just strike me (and everyone else…) as menacing, so we’re all kind of staying away from them.
A lot of the taxi guys are working in the black economy, off the books, so I guess they are also being scared off.
Point being, I couldn’t find a cab to order for Medzhiboz.
This morning, I woke up early to see if I could arrange a cab now instead.
But I found myself kind of stuck to my sheets with a sick feeling that it took me a while to pin down as ‘fear’. I’m scared to leave Uman. I’m scared to leave the sanctuary of Rebbe Nachman. Things are so changeable, I don’t want to find myself somehow trapped outside of Uman (even though we have a rental here now through Rosh Hashana), or having to deal with the Ukrainian authorities again.
So, it looks like I’m not risking going to the BESHT after all.
After some consideration of why I’m feeling so stressed all the time, I came to realise how much pressure I feel to keep things ‘working’ in my family unit.
Thanks to Corona Fascism, I have spent the last 6-7 months in close proximity to my husband and children, with very little break. Even though as soon as the last lockdown was lifted, I went all over the country to maximise the ‘freedom’ I had – and encouraged my kids to do the same – the idea of being ‘stuck’ with my family, with no escape, is still very hard for me.
I knew they were going to lockdown in Israel before Rosh Hashana.
They were threatening that for months, it’s always been part of “the plan”.
And at least in part, the knowledge of that encouraged me to run off here, to Uman, although clearly there was also a big aspect of being ‘pulled’ to Rabbenu, too.
Today, I’m realising that I can’t keep running away from the difficult feelings all this COVID-1984 stuff is bringing up in me.
The last few months, I’ve run away into cooking, I’ve run away into nature, I’ve run away into turning out one book after another and work, I’ve run away into gardening – a million different things.
And here in Uman, it’s finally dawning on me that I can’t keep running. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m lost.
Underneath all this, is the knowledge that I find ‘home’ a very difficult place.
‘Home’ for me was always a place I wanted to escape from, and while I’ve done a lot of work on myself since I was married to transform that tendency, so my kids wouldn’t end up as psychos, I can see there is still a stubborn nub of fear of being at home, and of being with my family, that has resisted all efforts to shift it.
At the end of the day, God is the One who is running this COVID-1984 show.
God is the One who is putting me – and all of us – under this tremendous pressure. God has an outcome He is trying to achieve, and end in mind, a goal to reach.
For me, it’s finally making my peace with just ‘being’. ‘Being’ at home. ‘Being’ with my family. Not constantly running to the next distraction, the next escape hatch.
That’s very hard for me to accept.
It’s very hard for me to handle.
But increasingly, I’m seeing that the only way I can really get away from this ‘fear of being’ is to stop running away, and to turn around and face it down.
Holding God’s hand.
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