On Shabbat, I had one of those dreams that seemed to be way more than a dream.

(I know I’ve been writing a lot about dreams recently, and I’m sorry about that! A few other people have told me they are also having unusually intense dreams at the moment, too. This one also just seemed like an important one to share, so here we go.)

In the dream, I was walking up to Rebbe Nachman’s tomb, and Rebbe Nachman was there. As soon as I got to the threshold, he told me:

“Go and get your husband and kids, and bring them here quickly.”

He seemed very pressured, somehow, which is unheard of for Rebbe Nachman. If you read Rav Natan’s accounts of him, what he went through, how he reacted to his own challenges, then you’d know that Rabbenu always took things extremely calmly and with maximum emuna.

So I was very surprised he seemed to be in such a rush.

I called my husband and kids over, and then he opened some sort of underground passage, and he told me:

“You have to get everyone underground.”

I assumed he just meant me and my family, so we were trying to get down there when he said to me:

“No. All of Am Yisrael has to get underground.”

So then, I got a bit frustrated (yes, even in a dream with Rebbe Nachman the bad temper still flared up, what can I do) and I said to him:

“What does that even mean?! There isn’t room down here for millions of Jews, and even if there was, how do you want me to get them here?! What does that mean, that I have to ‘get everyone underground’?!”

He told me:

“The ground is the Tzaddik Yesod HaOlam.”

And with that I woke up.

And then I did some more talking to God about the dream in hitbodedut, and I got some more insights, namely that I have to make maximum effort over the next couple of months to try and write stuff that will hopefully get more people connected to the Tzaddik Yesod HaOlam, because that is the only way people will be protected from whatever is going to happen next.

And I don’t know what that’s going to be any more than you do, but it seems that something is in the offing.

Of course, I’m not hugely thrilled about this job, for a few reasons, including if I actually start spelling out who I think the Tzaddik Yesod HaOlam actually is in our generation, it will be waving the proverbial red rag to anyone who happens to have a different opinion.

But I also realized that God gave me the blog for a reason, and much better that I use it for a holy purpose, then I just keep posting up long screeds full of daas me.

So, BH, that’s what I’m going to try and do. I’m not sure exactly how, but a storm is brewing in the world, and we need to take shelter by our tzaddikim, and especially, by the Tzaddik Yesod HaOlam. And I will hopefully start writing some more about this concept, so more of us can start to form a better opinion of what that actually is, and who he might be, in our generation.

So, other people’s dreams are always really boring, I know, but bear with me because I had a ‘repeated’ dream yesterday, that I feel it’s good to share with you.

The Gemara tells us that all dreams are generally considered to be nonsense, but if you get a dream which is repeated, those ones you should take a little more seriously. So here goes:

Dream #1:

The first time round, I was walking somewhere with huge pubs, covered in shiny gold writing = clearly London.

I got to a massive football stadium, like Wembley Arena or something, and it was clear to me that it was up in the air on the world’s biggest rollercoaster, and that any minute now, it was going to loop-the-loop and completely flip over, like you do on rollercoasters.

My kids were with me, so I made sure we were seated and properly buckled in, because when you don’t secure yourself properly, you fall out of rollercoasters and smash to bits on the floor when they start moving.

But me and my kids were pretty much the only ones doing that! Everyone else was just sitting there, completely unaware that they were actually on a huge rollercoaster half a mile up in the sky, and not just having a picnic or something.

I couldn’t get why they didn’t know what was about to happen, and why they weren’t buckling in. Just then, JFK showed up and started shooting people (clearly, the ‘pure nonsense’ part of the dream) and I woke up. It was 2am.

Dream #2:

I fell back asleep – and the dream happened again, except this time my kids weren’t with me, and the stadium-cum-rollercoaster was packed even fuller of people. This time, most people had a vague idea they were on a rollercoaster that was about to flip them completely over, but they weren’t dealing with that idea in any sort of rational way.

Some people told me they were just going to ‘hold on to the grass’ where they were sitting, for protection. Others showed me how they were going to use all their strength to somehow ‘dig in’ to the earth, and that was going to be enough to keep them on board. And still others disappeared into the toilets for a smoke, just as the ‘fasten your seatbelts sign’ flashed up.

I woke up again, and I immediately thought of the story in the Gemara where two holy sages are sailing in a boat, when they stop on what they thought was an island. They make a fire and start cooking their supper, when suddenly the whole ‘island’ starts shuddering, and completely flips over, because really they were camping out on the stomach of a huge fish.

The sages testified that if their boat hadn’t been so close by, to scramble into, they would have both drowned.

It’s a parable, of course, and at least one of the commentaries I’ve seen on that particular Gemara equates the boat with Moshiach, and emunat tzadikim, or belief in our holy sages.

One thing’s for sure: when the thing flips over, you REALLY need to make sure you’re buckled in, and hanging on to something solid. And if my repeat dream is anything to go by, the rollercoaster ride that’s leading to geula really might be starting soon…

For months’ now, I’ve been getting some version of the same message in my daily hitbodedut sessions: “Hang on. You’re nearly there. It’s all going to turnaround soon, and be better than it’s ever been.”

I’ve been struggling with so many issues on so many fronts, that I’m really, really desperate to believe that it’s all going to improve soon.

But then I hit a day like today, and it’s like all my spiritual reserves have disappeared.

I’ve been having disturbing dreams the last few days, and they all have the same sort of theme: I’m homeless, I’m lost; me and my life are full of ‘holes’ that can’t seem to be filled, I’m a stranger, an outsider, etc etc.

I wake up after these dreams completely drained, and then I go through the day with huge unexplained anxiety.

Dear reader, I do a four hour or six hour hitbodedut sessions nearly every week, and that’s really what’s been keeping me going. I know I’m struggling at the moment, despite all my praying and other stuff, because objectively, I have huge challenges going on in my life that I appear to be powerless to change or fix.

Whatever practical effort, or histadlut, me and my husband has tried the last two years has failed spectacularly.

There is nothing else to do except pray, and wait for G-d to turn things around. Nervous breakdowns notwithstanding, I thought I was doing OK with having no income, no stability, no community, and some other excrutiating tests of emuna that I can’t even begin to talk about.

But my dreams are showing me otherwise.

Last night’s was a classic: an old ‘successful’ friend was driving me, in their car, to stay with some other hugely successful people, in their enormous flat, because I was homeless and penniless.

The whole drive, I kept seeing things with holes in them – massive holes in the ground, holes in the furniture, holes in the buildings.

It sounds fairly tame as nightmares go, but I woke up feeling so despairing today, that I had to do an hour of hitbodedut just to get out of bed.

I feel like I’ve spent the best part of a decade waiting for G-d to rescue me from the darkness, but recently, at least in my life, it’s just intensified.

What’s a person to do, when they’ve been to Uman 7 times, done tons of hitbodedut, got blessings and advice from holy people, tried to make teshuva on everything they can think of, and still they’re stuck, spiritually?

Answers on a postcard, please.

And in the meantime, I’ll continue to play the waiting game.