Posts

It’s a funny time, isn’t it?

Here’s what’s going on my life, right now: on the one hand, I am gathering more and more information together on a whole range of subjects that shows that most of the modern world we live in is based on a pack of lies. And on the other, I’m trying to sort out the most ‘real world’ business venture I’ve embarked upon for close to two decades.

==

If I touched on everything I’ve found out is a lie over the last few years, it would be a very long list. But when you really look at it, all our problems really just boil down to this:

We are scared to be real, and to really face up to what’s going on in our lives and our middot, and to have a real relationship with ourselves, other people and Hashem.

100%, this is the only reason that we’re still in golus, and still spinning our wheels, living superficial lives that are generally making us pretty miserable, and scared to open up and connect in any real way to anyone – including ourselves.

==

Over the last 15 years, I’ve had a mighty struggle to try to develop some of that REAL in my own life. When I got to Israel back in 2005, I was still so caught up in all the materialism and competition that the secular world is built on.

God had to keep giving me some sharp raps across the knuckles to really bring my attention to the fact that my ‘wonderful life’ was actually making me totally miserable. I was doing everything the magazines told me to do – I had a career, was making good money, owned a house, had a nice husband, two  nice kids – what’s the problem here?!?!?

I didn’t know the answer to that question in London, where I was feeling more and more anxious, depressed, stressed, miserable and overwhelmed before we made aliya.

I’ve been through so much the last 15 years, as part of the process of getting re-educated about what life is actually really meant to be about, especially if you’re a Jew. I don’t own a house anymore, I don’t have a career, I don’t spend Shabbos lavishing entertaining, or trying to stuff every spare minute with ‘action’, so I don’t have to spend any time in my own head, just being.

And I am so, so happier because of it.

And my relationships with the people who really count in life – i.e. my husband, my kids, myself and Hashem – are doing so much better than they were back in 2005.

And what made the biggest difference?

Learning to talk to Hashem, and to be real, and to stop running away from the truth, especially about myself and my own limitations.

==

You know why it feels so ‘weird’ right now? Because the light of Moshiach – the light of truth – is slowly rising in the world, and it’s that ‘sun with healing on its wings’ that is going to burn all the wicked up, but heal all the righteous.

On the blog here, and over on spiritualselfhelp.org, I’ve been pretty honest about the bad middot I’ve got, and the issues I’ve had in my relationships, and what I’ve had to do and acknowledge and work on, to stop being a bona fide psycho to my husband and children.

I’m not telling myself any fibs that it’s ‘ok’ to try and control other people via rage fits and insults; or that it’s ‘ok’ to act like a hypocrite, dishing out advice from that place up on high that I myself can’t hold by in a million years. As soon as I realized that it’s not ‘ok’ to go around trying to control people, or trying to force my children to be ‘perfect’ so that I’ll look good in front of my neighbors, I got to work trying to live that truth.

I’m still falling down on my middot a million times a day, let’s be clear.

But that’s OK. I know I’m on a low level spiritually, and I also know that Hashem just wants the effort, but the outcome is up to him.

But I look around, and I still so many people who seem to be stuck in the lies – and as the light of Moshiach continues to rise in the world, those lies are starting to weigh heavier and heavier. It’s getting harder and harder to believe that politics is the ‘answer’ to anything. It’s getting less and less credible to believe in ‘man-made global warming’. It’s getting way harder for us all to keep pretending that all the problems are just because of ‘everyone else’, and their bad middot.

All of us are down here to work on one person:

OURSELVES.

And the main work to be done is to be real, and authentic, and to start to serve Hashem joyfully from that low place of knowing we are totally imperfect – but that there is actually nothing fundamentally ‘wrong’ with us!!

God created us this way, with bad middot, and gave us the job of working on those bad middot over 120 years, to try to rectify them.

====

This is a bit of a rambling post, I know. It’s because I’m trying to blast through the ‘head fog’ that seems to keep descending up on everything worthwhile and meaningful and true, and that keeps sucking us all back into that superficial, nasty space where nothing really matters, and no-one really cares about anything or anyone.

Here’s what I’m really trying to say.

Over the last few years, so much of the public discourse, so much of society, has been shaped by self-absorbed ‘go getters’, who constantly talk about themselves and what they think, and who cow everyone else into falling in line behind them. I have some aspect of that myself, and it’s something I’m continually monitoring and working on, to do my best to ‘use it’ for Hashem, instead of just for myself.

In common parlance, these types of people are often referred to as ‘narcissists’, but I prefer to call them ‘motivators’.

They have a ton of energy, they are very focused, and they often get a lot done. But when they aren’t balancing all their ‘fire’ with humility, and a genuine desire to serve Hashem, they usually just end causing a lot of arguments and destruction, instead.

Then, there are all the quiet, gentle, ‘nice’ people out there – so many of them!! – who generally feel too shy to share their views, and are often too gentle to want to wade into the cut-throat business of taking a stand or having a real opinion, or being authentic.

Over the years, I’ve met some of you in person and over email, when you had the courage to reach out and say hello.

Here’s the thing:

You guys are the people who are really going to bring the geula, and really going to fix the world.

It’s you, that silent majority, the salt-of-the-earth types that don’t really believe in your own goodness, your own importance, and who lack confidence in your own ability to change things for the better, who are really going to bring the geula.

Not the big mouths, or the firebrands, or the holier-than-thou preachers and gurus.

====

Gosh, I’m finding this so hard to put into words, which is very unusual for me.

So let me just cut to the chase.

After 15 years of going through SO much stuff, emotionally, spiritually, career-wise, health-wise, relationship-wise, you name it, baruch Hashem, I now have a lot of insight into how people really work.

And I want to start teaching it to others out there, but particularly, the salt-of-the-earth women, who are finding it hard to say ‘no’ to others, and to make their voices heard, and to set healthy boundaries, and to put their quiet goodness out there in a way that will really shape the world in a profound way.

In the next month or so, BH, I will be launching a pilot program to teach this information to a small group of 10 women. I’m still figuring out the packaging, but I already know what this program is going to do:

It’s going to help those ‘good’, but quiet women to finally find their voice, and the confidence they need to stand up for themselves and for ‘right’ without being steamrollered by all the mouthy, self-obsessed ‘motivators’ out there.

====

Why is that important?

Because these women are the ones who are going to bring the geula.

The world needs them, and it desperately needs for them to to start expressing their inner wisdom, and their inner goodness, and their inner clarity to start countering all the lies, and to help get us ready for Moshiach.

What is going to bring Moshiach is being real, and doing our best to work on ourselves, and to create an authentic environment in our homes and communities where the voice of the soul – the voice of peace, love, humility, emuna and truth – can start to shine out and be heard.

Phew.

If this speaks to you – at all – please drop me an email, and let’s discuss how to really do this.

I’m not pretending I have all the answers, or that I’m totally fixed, anything but. But Hashem has given me a lot of information that I know could help a lot of people, and especially the gentle people out there, to start putting down the boundaries they need to in a loving way, and to stop enabling ‘bad’.

And once more of us start to put that light out in our own dalet amot, the ‘bad’ that is preventing Moshiach from coming will disappear by itself.

====

Just as the women brought the redemption in Egypt, so they will bring it again in our days.

One lasting marriage at a time, one loved kid at a time, one honest and caring conversation at a time.

That’s really the only thing that matters, and not who becomes president, or who is going to end up being Moshiach, or all the other pointless things we waste so much time and energy debating.

I know ‘real’ is scary, but facing up to our ‘real’ – with tremendous compassion and understanding – is how we actually get out of galut, personally and nationally.

So, if you’d like to join me, either take the minute required to fill in the survey HERE, or drop me an email HERE.

It’s time for the ladies to start roaring.

====

UPDATE:

Baruch Hashem, I’m starting to pin this down more already.

I basically want to do ‘Azamra’ as a practical course, which will give concrete, tangible ways for:

1) Understanding the 4 main ways our yetzer hara takes us out, based on Likutey Moharan, as reflected in cutting edge science
2) Taking down bad middot like: anger, yeoush, depression, people pleasing, fear and anxiety – in ways that actually totally work in real time.
3) And perhaps most importantly of all, this is the main focus of the program:
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to feel good about yourself, and feel good within your relationships, in six weeks or less, so you can wake up happy, and enjoy being yourself around other people.
Because I think that is really the key to giving Hashem what He really wants from us, and bringing the geula happily, the sweet way, in both our private and public spheres.
How does this sound? I’m VERY open to feedback and ideas.

====

Do you want join me, and see where this goes?

Drop me an email!

This could start to get pretty interesting, with God’s help!

====

You might also like this article:

With each day that passes, I realise even more that we’re living in a mad world.

In case you’re wondering why there aren’t a lot of posts going up the site at the moment, there are two reasons for that.

  • I’m in the middle of writing another book, and it’s taking a lot of time.
  • I’m currently having a minor disagreement with my better half, as I really want to write a whole lot more about what’s really going on with the yucky people who are sadly running our part of the world, and my husband is scared that if I do that, I’ll get myself in trouble.

So in the meantime, we’re having something of a stand-off and I’m not sure what exactly I should be writing, if I can’t write what God is putting in my soul to write.

But I can tell you this: it’s a mad world.

And it’s getting madder by the day.

On Shabbat, I went for a walk around Talpiot early in the morning, as the new book is taking a lot of mental concentration and I needed to ‘decompress’ my brain a little, with a longer hitbodedut session than usual.

As I rounded the bend that took me deep into Talpiyot’s industrial zone, which was all but deserted save for a couple of taxis, one police cruiser and a couple of local Arabs on foot, I spotted a strange figure motioning at me to come closer to the bus stop, where he / she was standing.

From a distance, I didn’t know who or what I was dealing with, but I could see the person didn’t look ‘normal’, and I also knew that there was no-one else around to help, if help was required. I took a deep breath, and went over.

It turned out to be a middle-aged woman with a buzz-cut and glasses, wearing boy’s clothes and a pair of oversized black man’s shoes. Even before she opened her mouth, I knew she was totally crazy.

====

“There’s a pedophile here!” She told me, motioning up the road. “He’s attacking his grandchildren, he’s attacking children!”

Well, that certainly got my attention. I debated how I should react to this news.

“Do you want me to flag down the police car?” I asked her.

“No!!!!!” she responded emphatically. “They all want to date me. All the policemen want to date me.” Just then, the police car cruised by and beeped at us, as the crazy woman told me “Don’t look at them, don’t look at them! But you see? They all like me. They were smiling at me, right?”

I tried telling her that I hadn’t been looking at them, as per her instructions, but she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Crazy people don’t like being told cold, hard facts that interfere with their narrative.

“You from America?” she asked me, suddenly switching into English. It’s part of my ongoing experience of being humbled on a daily basis that even the brain-damaged people I meet in Israel typically speak better English to me than I can speak Hebrew to them. “I’m from England,” I told her warily.

“Yeah!” she nodded. “Eastenders! Teletubbies! I know! I’m your angel, do you know that? God sent me to you to protect you from that pedophile. I want you to stay with me here until my madrich comes to get me.”

It was Shabbos. It was clear (to me) that no madrich was coming to get her.

“Do you have a phone?” she asked me. “No, it’s Shabbat.” “I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me!” she responded angrily. “I’m also making teshuva. Do you have a head-covering for me?” I didn’t.

====

So now I said to myself, God, what do you want from me?

What do you want me to do with this stark-raving crazy lady in the middle of Talpiyot who wants me to wait with her until the Moshiach comes?

The Police cruiser came around again, and this time I went against her instructions and looked in their direction and tried to subtly flag them down. The two policewomen in the car looked at me, then drove off.

“You see? They love me! Right they were smiling at me?! They all want to be my boyfriend. But most of them are married! And I’m not a slut,” gabbled on the crazy lady. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there were no policemen in sight, and the police women clearly felt they had better things to do than take a crazy lady back to her institution.

“Listen,” she said to me suddenly, as though she’d been reading my thoughts. “I’m not crazy. I just have CP. You know what is CP?” I nodded. “I need you to walk me back to my madrich. I’m your angel. You need me.”

I raised my eyes to the Heavens again.

Lord, what do you want from me?

Go with the crazy woman. You can’t leave her here.

“Where is your madrich?”

“Tzomet Pat”

That was miles away! I sighed heavily. Ok, God. Ok. If that’s what You want, that’s what I’ll try to give You.

====

We started walking, and I realized with sinking stomach that the crazy lady had a really bad limp.

This was going to take ages. She looked at me, saw my bemused expression, and started insulting me.

“You’re a sick person, you know that? You’re mentally ill! You should be in a hospital!”

I raised an eyebrow, than agreed with her. That threw her. So she tried to insult me again.

“What do you have, schizophrenia? Depression? You know, you’re a sick person. You’re not nice. You don’t trust anyone. Come on, trust me!” she told me emphatically. “I’m not going to do anything to you!”

Thanks to my teenagers, my tolerance for being insulted is pretty high.

But even so, she was approaching the cresting point. I realized it would be better for everyone if she continued her monologue in Hebrew. That way I could pretend to be listening without having to get too involved.

====

So she took my hand – for my own safety, of course, so the pedophile wouldn’t get me – and we walked along at 2 cms an hour, over the bike track and up onto the other side of Makor Chaim.

The whole way, she was telling me about her 11 year old son, who wasn’t adopted. And her ex-husband who was a Russian Jew, but they still had to get married in a civil wedding in Cyprus. Now they were divorced. She told me she had cancer. She told me she’d had two serious operations. She told me that Avi had just killed himself, because she’d refused to marry him.

“His Facebook account is blocked now, right?” I nodded mechanically. “That means he’s dead! It’s very sad.” She started crying. “You didn’t kill him,” I told her emphatically (who knows if ‘Avi’ even existed, but when you’re in Mad World, there are certain rules you have to follow.)

She turned on my angrily. Don’t be aggressive with me, ok? I’m a black belt karate! I’ll hit you so hard you won’t get up again!”

She looked at me with angry eyes, and I looked back at her 5ft nothing, limping frame and sighed a very deep sigh again. You can’t disagree with crazy people about anything. They are always right. So I apologized and nodded, and we carried on.

At 2cm an hour.

In the boiling sun.

And I didn’t have any water.

And I was starting to need the toilet.

====

I cleared my throat.

“Do you know where we’re going?”

“Come on! Trust me! What’s the matter with you!!” she started yelling at me again.

I ignored her.

Do you know where we are going? I can’t spend all day going to Tzomet Pat with you.

Right at the beginning of the journey, we’d had a disagreement about the direction to take and fool that I am, I thought she’d really known where she was going. I wasn’t going to make that mistake twice.

“I’m going to ask someone” I told her – which again got her a little mad and panicked, but I wasn’t going to take no for an answer this time.

“It’s FORBIDDEN for you to speak to a man, what sort of religious woman are you?!” she shouted at me, then ran off to flag down the jogging bald-headed man that was heading straight for us.

“Where’s Tzomet Pat?” I asked him. He pointed me in a direction, and the crazy lady started up that he was lying, and that it was the other way. My patience broke.

“Listen,” I said in English. “She’s a little bit crazy, and I’m trying to help her get to her madrich. Please tell me where Tzomet Pat is.”

That was it. I’d done the unthinkable. I’d dared to state that the crazy person was crazy.

I’d broken the cardinal rule of the ‘Mad World’. This was unforgivable.

====

The crazy person turned on me and started abusing me roundly on the street.

“I knew you were a sick person! Get away from me, before I put you in hospital! I don’t want you to come anywhere with me! Go away!”

Now my guilt reflex kicked in. Should I leave the crazy woman here, in the middle of the road? Am I now responsible for getting her home?

I decided to try to follow her stealthily for a minute, hiding out behind some cars, to check she’d be OK. She spotted me immediately, and started abusing me again.

“You’re disgusting! You’re sick! Stop stalking me! Go and get help!”

Just like that, the tables had been neatly turned, and now I looked like the crazy person.

Talk about a mad world.

I turned and walked back in the other direction, towards my home.

The little bit of nachas I’d schlepped from putting myself out to do a mitzvah, however strange and unwillingly, had totally disappeared. Instead, I just felt pretty bad about myself.

God, what was I meant to have done differently? How was I meant to have reacted? Am I really responsible for trying to help these people, who are totally insane?

I don’t have an answer.

I came home in a thoughtful mood, and not for the first time, I thanked God for keeping me out of the loonie bin. Who knows how crazy people really get that way. Certainly, there’s usually been a lot of suffering, a lot of pain, a lot abuse on the way down into the madness.

There but for the grace of God go I.

But in the meantime, it’s a mad world out there, and getting crazier all the time.

And I have no idea, really, how it’s all going to get fixed.

====

You might also like these articles:

Mad World photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash