More than anything else, I wanted to run away.
I wanted to pull the plug on all my ‘citizen journalism’, all my attempts to keep telling people what’s really going on with the fake, politically-engineered ‘pandemic’, and all the research and effort and soul power that costs me.
What I wanted to do was basically give up on ‘reality’ as it’s currently playing out, and to just concentrate on getting my Secret Diaries out there – regardless of who reads them – so I could feel I really did accomplish *something* in life, and then just spend the rest of my time gardening and knitting.
That was basically the plan.
But as so often happens, God decided differently.
I’m 99% sure that Amazon is about to ban my Secret Diary #2, Questions for God, at least the Kindle version – which is the only way anyone is really buying books these days.
It’s still ‘in review’ – after 3 days – and the last time that happened was when Amazon decided to ban Rabbi Berland’s book of Prayers for Health, which included a tagline for the Coronavirus prayer on the cover.
Amazon being Amazon, they never tell you why they are banning anything, so it was a lucky ‘guess’ with Rav Berland’s book. I switched the cover around a little (after it took me 3 weeks to recover from the disappointment), removed any mention of ‘Corona’, and managed to get it past them that way.
But when it comes to Questions for God?
I have no idea why it appears they want to ban it. So, I have no idea what I can do to get it unbanned. Of course, this all may be premature, we’ll see, but in the meantime I did another six hours yesterday, and a bit more hitbodedut about it all today, too, and the message I got was this:
Rivka, you can’t run away into your books. There’s a lot of other stuff you still need to do.
I typed that, and I sighed a big sigh.
Because honestly? I’ve had enough.
Jews are so stubborn.
For years, most of my extended family members and friends have been relating to me as an amusing, but somewhat demented conspiracy theorist.
I am the weirdo who totally trashed my career prospects and social life by moving to Israel. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I then added insult to injury by becoming a ‘religious extremist’ who started talking to God every day, and visiting the tombs of dead saints.
Of course, things went up yet another level when I started getting closer to Rav Berland. That’s when I started getting into arguments with just about everyone I know, both on and offline, who were convinced that they knew better because they avidly read Ynet and the Yeshiva World News every day.
Even my own children spent two years thinking I was a brainwashed, cult-member ‘lunatic’ for supporting the Rav, because that’s what they were hearing from their media-indoctrinated friends.
That was, and still is, pretty painful.
But you know why I threw myself so wholeheartedly behind Rabbi Berland?
Because every time I talked to God about the subject, I got the ‘message’ back that I should do everything in my power to help him, any way I could.
You know how I knew that Coronavirus was a crock right from the beginning?
Because every time I talked to God about what was going on, that was the message I got. That it really was meant to have been awful, but that the Rav had sweetened it with his self-sacrifice and prayers.
You know why I keep putting ‘unpopular’ posts up encouraging people to move to Israel ASAP, and having awkward conversations with people about how their pension – and savings, and stock market portfolios, and properties – are about to disappear in a puff of pixie dust very, very soon?
Yup, you guessed it.
Every time I check in with my neshama, and ask God about what’s happening, that’s the steer I get. Also from the writings of Rebbe Nachman (check out The Master of Prayer) and also from what I can see so clearly with the two eyes in my head that God gave me.
But Jews are so stubborn.
And that’s why so often, I just want to give up and go and do something more rewarding, like knitting a blanket, or something.
How many times can a person write the words:
Doing hitbodedut is the only way you are really going to figure out what’s going on?
How many times can I keep sticking hours, days and weeks’ worth of rock-solid research up here on the site, just to keep seeing it derailed by innate biases, bad middot, and arrogance?
God, I give up!!!
Let me just go and write some books – just for my own enjoyment and edification, I don’t even care if people don’t buy them anymore – and forget about trying to change anybody else’s mind, or viewpoint.
I’m done. I’m finished. I’m retiring.
What can I tell you?
I want to give up. What’s the point of writing this stuff, when so many people just can’t hear it, or believe it, or deal with it?
What’s the point?
I want to give up and go and do something more personally fulfilling, that doesn’t keep putting me in opposition to 99.9% of the rest of the world.
But God isn’t letting me.