For months’ now, I’ve been getting some version of the same message in my daily hitbodedut sessions: “Hang on. You’re nearly there. It’s all going to turnaround soon, and be better than it’s ever been.”
I’ve been struggling with so many issues on so many fronts, that I’m really, really desperate to believe that it’s all going to improve soon.
But then I hit a day like today, and it’s like all my spiritual reserves have disappeared.
I’ve been having disturbing dreams the last few days, and they all have the same sort of theme: I’m homeless, I’m lost; me and my life are full of ‘holes’ that can’t seem to be filled, I’m a stranger, an outsider, etc etc.
I wake up after these dreams completely drained, and then I go through the day with huge unexplained anxiety.
Dear reader, I do a four hour or six hour hitbodedut sessions nearly every week, and that’s really what’s been keeping me going. I know I’m struggling at the moment, despite all my praying and other stuff, because objectively, I have huge challenges going on in my life that I appear to be powerless to change or fix.
Whatever practical effort, or histadlut, me and my husband has tried the last two years has failed spectacularly.
There is nothing else to do except pray, and wait for G-d to turn things around. Nervous breakdowns notwithstanding, I thought I was doing OK with having no income, no stability, no community, and some other excrutiating tests of emuna that I can’t even begin to talk about.
But my dreams are showing me otherwise.
Last night’s was a classic: an old ‘successful’ friend was driving me, in their car, to stay with some other hugely successful people, in their enormous flat, because I was homeless and penniless.
The whole drive, I kept seeing things with holes in them – massive holes in the ground, holes in the furniture, holes in the buildings.
It sounds fairly tame as nightmares go, but I woke up feeling so despairing today, that I had to do an hour of hitbodedut just to get out of bed.
I feel like I’ve spent the best part of a decade waiting for G-d to rescue me from the darkness, but recently, at least in my life, it’s just intensified.
What’s a person to do, when they’ve been to Uman 7 times, done tons of hitbodedut, got blessings and advice from holy people, tried to make teshuva on everything they can think of, and still they’re stuck, spiritually?
Answers on a postcard, please.
And in the meantime, I’ll continue to play the waiting game.