Probably like everyone else out there, I’m struggling a bit at the moment.
Most of the time I’m fine, but then I’ll get hit with a big wave of yeoush, or a big wave of sadness, and then I don’t feel like doing anything much.
Or, I’ll feel totally overwhelmed.
Or, I’ll feel some not so low level panic.
And I know I’m not alone.
My middot are getting a really good work out at the moment, and I’m not always acting and reacting the way I would like.
I’m spending a lot of time online, researching all these Shabbatean Frankist people, and I’m aware that as well as being useful (at least on some level…) it’s also totally an ‘escape from reality’ project, to help me cope with a reality that I really don’t like so much, or find very easy.
Today, one of my kids wanted the house to herself, so she could invite 15 classmates around and just whoop it up without any adults around.
I’m trying to accommodate my teens anyway I can, to try and preserve their mental health in a world gone mad.
So I said ‘yes’.
And then, I pondered to myself what on earth I was going to do, to get myself ‘out of the way’ while she whoops it up in the house.
I mean, the restaurants and cafes (that re-opened….) are all take-out only.
I can’t stand shopping with a mask.
And because the weather is pouring rain and thunder storms, long walks in nature or by the beach were also out.
As usual, the Rav came to the rescue.
I checked the shuvubanim website, and saw that the indefatigable Aron Shwartz was arranging another protest on behalf of the Rav, this time a convoy of cars to leave from Bnai Brak at 1.30 today, headed towards the High Court in Jerusalem.
I had a date!
Of course, it was later than planned. It only really got going at 2.30.
And of course, there weren’t a ton of cars who showed up for it.
A lot of Shuvu Banim don’t have cars, in the first place.
And the weather was so bad, it’s amazing anyone showed up, honestly.
But for the first hour, I was driving along in the convoy feeling quietly happy that I was part of this outfit.
Then, we took a wrong turn down the wrong road, and all of a sudden, my mood plummeted.
What the heck am I doing here?!?
I’m totally wasting my time….
How is this going to make even the smallest bit of difference, barely a minyan in a few cars driving slowly on the side of the road in the pouring rain and the dark?
For an hour, I had maximum yeoush and sadness and ‘lowliness’ going on again.
Then we got to Jerusalem, and that’s when we started beeping loudly, as our small convoy drove through some of the major chareidi neighborhoods with our two signs about the Rav stuck on the first and last cars in line.
As a rule, I try very hard to NOT beep.
But man, was I beeping a ton today.
And as I beeped – repeatedly – Hashem reminded me that the wars of Am Yisrael were never fought with big armies and overwhelming force.
They were fought with very small groups of Jews, who believed in something bigger than them.
That’s how the walls of Jericho fell.
That’s how the Maccabees overcame the Greeks.
All I have to do is show up, and beep a little, and God is going to make all those walls start tumbling down by themselves.
BH, very soon.
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