“God, should I get a real job?”

This is what I’ve been asking God pretty much non-stop for the last two years, once I realised that making a living as an author is really not as straightforward as I’d hoped. (The way I’m going, I hope to break even around 2026…)

So far, the answer I’ve been getting in my personal prayer sessions has been ‘no, just continue on blogging and writing, and let your husband worry about earning a living.’ I was going along with that, as it felt ‘right’, but I still wasn’t 100% convinced that I wasn’t just fooling myself.

I’d rather stab my own eyeballs with a fork than go back into corporate communications again, but the thought has continued to haunt me that maybe God wants me to sell out and be a hack again?!?!? I have no idea WHY God might want that, but as I’ve sat here waiting for things to start moving with my husband’s businesses, the thought crossed my mind more than once that maybe me getting a ‘real job’ for ‘real money’ was the only way forward, financially.

Back and forth it went for months, until two weeks’ ago I couldn’t take all the uncertainty and ‘stuckness’ anymore, and we decided to ask Rav Berland a whole bunch of big questions that we’ve been agonising over for around three years.

Last week, we got the answers to every question – except that one.

So then I was back to square one again: does God want me to get a ‘real’ job, or does He want me to continue blogging and writing, even though that’s actually costing me money, at the moment?

This Shabbat, I decided to take a look in the Likutey Moharan, and see if God might clue me in that way – and boy, did He.

It’s known in Breslov circles that if you open up any of the Breslov books ‘randomly’, you nearly always hit something that’s a tailor-made answer to whatever question you were trying to find the answer to.

I asked God: “Do you want me to get a real job now, or what?” and then ‘randomly’ opened up Likutey Moharan to Part 1, Lesson 56, that begins with this verse:

 “On the day of the first-fruit offering, when you bring a meal-offering from the new grain to God on your [festival of] Shavuot, you shall have a mikra Kodesh [convocation to holiness] – you shall do no work of mundane needs.” (Numbers 28:26)

Hmm, that seemed to be a pretty big clue.

I read through the lesson, and the whole thing was talking about the importance of spreading daat, or the knowledge of God throughout the world, rebuking people to return to the Torah, and removing the ‘concealment within concealment’ that means that people who are far away from God and truth don’t even know that they are.

Here’s a little of what it said:

“…as knowledge (daat) increases, sustenance becomes easier to obtain, because sustenance is dependent upon knowledge….Through knowledge, peace increases, for anger and cruelty are eliminated by way of knowledge, since anger and cruelty arise from a lack of knowledge, as written, ‘Anger lies in the lap of fools’ (Ecclesiastes 7:9).”

Whoah! We were straight back into all the stuff about bad middot and mental illness that I love to write about on my blogs…

When I asked my husband what a ‘mikra kodesh’ was, he told me it could be translated as ‘holy writings’. Then, on the next page it started talking about a mamar ne-eman (faithful statement) that if you play around with the letters spells out ‘emuna roma’.

Double whoah!

But maybe, I was still lying to myself and just reading things into stuff? Maybe, God really still just wanted me to go and write technical copy about hi-tec gizmos instead? (I know, there are such huge yetzers around the whole topic of valuing yourself, and what you spend your time doing, if you don’t actually earn any money doing it, aren’t there?)

So I decided to ask God for another message, just to be sure I hadn’t gotten the wrong end of the stick. I opened up Likutey Moharan again ‘randomly’, and this time got to Part 2, Lesson 4. Here’s how that lesson began:

“On the day of the first-fruit offering, when you bring a meal-offering from the new grain to God on your [festival of] Shavuot, you shall have a mikra Kodesh [convocation to holiness] – you shall do no work of mundane needs.” (Numbers 28:26)

You know, I sometimes take the tremendous Divine Providence I get a little for granted, but I have to admit that even I was shocked at this latest ‘coincidence’. I had no idea that verse showed up twice in Likutey Moharan, in two completely different lessons. But now I know.

Ok, God, I got the message!

BH, no more agonising about the big bucks I could be earning doing ‘mundane work’ instead of (trying to) do holy writing! I will continue to blog and write my books, and pray for my husband’s parnassa to take off instead.

If you’re reading this and thinking stuff like that could never happen to you, let me reassure that it 100% can and could – if you let it.  If you have a big question you need some guidance about, ask God to send you a message, crack open a holy book, and see what happens.

God is sending us clues about our lives all the time, He’s just waiting for us to wake up and recognise them.

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